dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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