Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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