I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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