So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
