she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize