How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
