I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
