the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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