My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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