Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
