i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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