I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
