and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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