last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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