I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
