Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
