Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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