Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
we're so committed to being not committed
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