Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize