Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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