Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
