last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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