jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
