just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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