You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
