Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
