why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
