I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
