I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
