I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
