I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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