Who wears a wallet chain?!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
