I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
