Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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