god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize