She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
