The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
