Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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