i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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