I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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