She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize