Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
