I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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