I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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