Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
