How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize