I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
