There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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