u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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