Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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