and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
