I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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