if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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