Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
