We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
