I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
