all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
