To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
