Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
