Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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