I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
