I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
