I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
