I think im going to throw up on grandma
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
